Climax (Video On Demand)
Starring Mia Malkova
Directed by Ram Gopal Varma
Rating: O Stars
Every time my friend Ram Gopal Varma put out a new film I pray that it would be his last. But he surprises everyone, including himself by churning out one monstrosity after another, each progressively more awful and irredeemably doomed to die a natural death.
Words would fail to describe my disgust and outrage at what he has done in his latest outing. Climax is a rumination on sexual retardation. It’s as though Varma found desert location and a porn star willing to prance around in it, and decided to plonk a camera on both . It’s supposed to be a horror film. But the bhoot is a hoot. And the zombies look like extras picked up by Varma from the long line of hungry desperate migrants walking home before Sonu Sood could beat him to it.
The camera frequently focuses on the leading lady’s generous bum and happily lets the drugged narration fall in the crack.
Most times in the hour-long voyage into the claps of commanding crappiness Ms Malkova’s modesty is covered with the briefest of bikini bottoms , but for one lengthy sequence where she roams in the desert and bathes in the the dirtiest pond I’ve seen in my life, in all her naked splendour while the camera caresses her bum.
Here the audience is supposed to lick its collective lips in sheer orgasmic bliss. But if the satya be told, Climax is as sexy as pre-molar energy and as alluring as two skunks mating in the middle of a desert.And you can get more of Malkovik on a pornsite for free and with better actors too.
Speaking of actors , I have no clue who plays Ms Malkovik’s co-star. If you listen carefully to a conversation that happens on a moving jeep, someone tells us he is Brazillian. But the chap with his fake blonde hair and an accent picked at the immigration desk of the Nepal airport, is as Brazillian as I am. Whoever he is, this is the first and last time we will meet him. RIP
As for Ms Malkovik, she tries hard to ACT.You know, just the basic elementary expressions of fear, anger, agitation,desperation that we teach our children before they learn to walk …they are expressed mostly by her 70 mm derriere.Whenever Ram Gopal Varma succeeds in tearing away his eyes from his leading lady’s bums and boobs, we see her face playing acting-acting.
Madame Butt is joined by a band of zombies who look like they’ve watched all of RGVs film from Aag to God Sex And Truth on repeat for three days. In the latter we got to see a lot more of Ms Malkovik’s talents, if you know what I mean.
Climax will easily qualify as one of the worst examples of infantile filmmaking by an adolescent who has just discovered how to masturbate. In times to come Ram Gopal Varma will become a metaphor for tortuous film-viewing. Something like, “Don’t watch that film. Varma pachtaoge.”In the meanwhile, I want my 100 rupees and one wasted hour refunded.
Please Ramu, no more